god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
