She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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