My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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