I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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