I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
