I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
