I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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