you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
false alarm, still single
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
