tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Operation Purity has been aborted
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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