never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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