o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
