Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You ate ashes out of my bong
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
