I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
