saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
