I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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