My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
