apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Randomize
