WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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