my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I need to calm my uterus...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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