I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
