she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
