cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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