fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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