I think I won the penis lottery.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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