last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
