I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
