He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
