Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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