At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
