I think i peed on brittanys purse
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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