God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
