dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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