his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
