wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Success! We fucked roommates!
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
