I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
