I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Randomize
