I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
