You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
