If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
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