chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
