i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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