whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
