Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
