Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
