When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
