i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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