I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
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