Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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