Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
