dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
