Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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